Sex is What?
Absolutely … my 2 favorite lovers often have ED issues,
but damn they are the best …sensual and hot! Curious, inventive. I NEVER have
any attention on whether their dicks are hard. And they don’t either! I can
still give them great head. They are not self-conscious about it at all. Nor
should they be. Good sex is more than a hard dick!
This response above to what I wrote (below) bothers
me a lot! I’m uncertain whether it even
was written by a woman.
It goes beyond Self-Esteem- respect- respecting oneself
and The Other’s- Self and Other Harm- I have had Erectile Dysfunction for 27
years- you may have had a Necessary
Double Mastectomy- neither of us should be Seeking Pity- but caring of
ourselves and others.
Did my writing above “invite” the response at the top? For me the response sought to
“sensationalize” or “arouse” me and/or others, particularly men – seeking
attention.
I was responding to a writing – from someone – who I no
longer read writings of – (as she seems more in line with the responder than me
to what I wrote, than in line with my values.)
“Dr. Kali DuBois” – (googled her) - I do not like to “toot my own horn”
yet since embracing the Dirty I have traveled the world training others,
published 5 books,17 manuals and produced 64 hypnosis and sex videos.
What is
your background?
I have a
certification in hypnosis, a Masters Degree in Human Sexuality and Bachelors
Degree both accredited from Prescott College. I also have numerous other
certifications in Biofeedback, Applied Kinesiology, Martial Arts,
Neuro-Semantics, Tantra, Yoga, Mind Codes, Biological Psychology.
My “credentials” if I could/would state them are that I’m:
male,
A. have erectile dysfunction
1.
https://www.wunc.org/show/embodied-radio-show/2024-01-12/erectile-dysfunction-mens-health-viagra-intimacy
- I was interviewed for a radio show that came out in January, 2024 – through
WUNC, National Public Radio – out of Raleigh/Durham/Chapel Hill,
California. Their show: “Embodied” –
deals a lot with issues related to sex and intimate relationships.
2.
https://www.georgemarx.org/2019/01/erectile-dysfunction-is-highly.html ,
B. helped co-found: Men Stopping Rape, Inc. of Madison, WI
in 1983 (it has not been active for a long time) and wrote a lengthy writing
related to my work in 1987 – see:
https://www.georgemarx.org/2020/05/my-1987-mens-anti-rape-organizing.html
and have written a lot, particularly related to: Justice for
the Palestinian People, Racism and Reproductive Justice – see: https://www.georgemarx.org/ .
What
really is "sex"?
When I watch on Netflix and Hulu it seems primarily "intense
fucking".
Usually then - it either is a 30 second performative clip,
Exposing what?
It may show the woman's breasts -
and perhaps bring out my desires to see Them,
It may appear to show or imply heterosexual intercourse or
in rare instances show two women nude with their breasts exposed (rarely their
vaginal areas), the butts of both women and men, and in rare instances briefly showing
a penis or two.
When one’s view of sex is narrow, as is commonly shown in
mainstream streaming, it distorts sex and sexuality greatly! Obvious – pornography – can further narrow
the vision, even with “diversity”.
Dictionary Definitions from Oxford Languages · Learn more sex /seks/ noun
- (chiefly with
reference to people) sexual activity, including specifically sexual
intercourse.
"they enjoyed talking about sex" Similar:
sexual intercourse intercourse lovemaking
making love sex
act sexual relations mating
NOTE: “2.” Related to “1.” Above- discusses issues related
to “gender” – as in “male” and “female”.
--
For me “sex” involves one or more people. Masturbating is sex. A man using a sex doll would be sex.
Sex with an animal is sex. More
commonly most people refer to sex as relating to two or more people with genital
touch of some kind. Obviously, some
people think of sex in very narrow ways.
Related to heterosexual sex, it often is presumed it relates to a male’s
penis being inserted into a female’s vagina.
Related to male-male sex there may be a presumption of anal
intercourse. In a slightly different
way, there may be a presumption particularly by heterosexual men, that two
women together with one man is a “dream situation” and that the women touching
each other is a turn-on for them and is incredibly “sexy”.
Where sex does not cause harm, I have no problem with
it.
Where there is the appearance of a major imbalance –
Power/Advantage, I have serious questions.
My questions are similar to my concerns related to rape and sexual
assault. Commonly there are imbalances
such as (1st over the 2nd) male/female, wealth/lack-of-wealth,
much-older/much younger.
Perhaps 10 years ago my partner and I stayed in an AirBnb in
the house of a male/female couple who’d been together for over 20 years. At breakfast we talked with them. It turned out that the woman fully accepted
that her husband was gay. She explained
how they he had a new 19 or 20 year old male partner (I think they met in the
younger man’s native country). The
partner spoke a little English. They
were bringing him in from his native South American country. They were financially supporting everything.
She explained how her partner and the young man had a loving
relationship and it all was working out well.
Red flags arose for both my partner and me. When we headed home later that morning, we
both agreed how wrong things were.
While things might work out for the young man, he was potentially stuck
in a very bad situation. The older man
and his wife had significant power over the younger man.
Most commonly such things involve older men’s power over
much younger women or girls. He makes
the money (or far more money than she does).
He pays for everything. He has
much, much more money than she does.
How is sex relevant in situations such as I’ve briefly
described above? What is sex – for each
of us in our normal lives?
Where sex involves two or more people, its “relevance”,
importance, meaning, and specific definition relates to individually what goes
on. The subjective experience of each
individual may vary. They all may be
significant.
When I was younger I had a female lover I saw regularly initially,
and then less regularly when I moved far away from where she lived. Our sex together involved a lot of touch and
fairly “vanilla” sexual intercourse. We
spent hours together in bed. Explaining what
our touch meant our touch isn’t clear to me.
Her description might be different from mine. How wonderful our time together was (for me)
had little to do with how much sex (ual intercourse) we had.
I am a very tactile person. Being nude needn’t mean that our touch was
sexual for me. Though, I’ve never had
such a lived experience, I could imagine being in bed with a woman where we
were nude and had a lot of touch, which was “deeply emotional” but not sexual
at all.
As a younger man, an erection could come, from numerous
stimuli. I’d be embarrassed if it
showed. As an 18 year old having just
started my studies at The University of Wisconsin, I was deeply embarrassed once
in the lobby of our dorm. When hugging
a friend I hoped would be a sexual partner I ejaculated while fully clothed. Now, with my erectile dysfunction and age,
it might be totally different. I can’t
tell if my penis is partially erect.
When erectile dysfunction entered my life, it changed how I
looked at sex and occasionally other things.
I realized how I had taken sex including sexual intercourse for granted. It was obvious to me suddenly 47, I might
“not be able to get it up” for the rest of my life.
At the time, I wanted to connect with others who were
impacted by ED. Several years later I
was in an online group led by a man. All
the participants, mostly women were respectful of each other.
My key takeaway within the group was that many, if not most
men with ED, feel ashamed, and often stop being physically affectionate with
their female partners. The women oft
times want affection, feeling rejected and hurt by their male partners. Some of them blame themselves for the ED,
while the men blamed only themselves.
Commonly there was/is little or no communication between the
partners. Some women in the group had
split up with their male partners, because they felt lonely and unheard, not
because of the ED and its physical effects on their sex life.
That saddened me and added to my desire to try to reach out
to other men. I’ve met total silence
with men, except on zoom calls where I’ve specifically discussed my ED. Obviously, there is shame and a desire to
remain silent amongst us! My own shame,
if any, is negligible.
In both men’s spaces and on shows teenage boys often brag
about their “sexual escapades” in statements like, “Oh, I’ve had great sex with
at least 10 or 20 girls at our school”, when they’ve never been sexual with
another female at all.
From: https://www.georgemarx.org/2024/12/honoring-my-penis.html
My lived experiences were highly, highly different from such
norms. I had no real friends as a
child. There were no boys or even girls
I could talk with. I never talked with
my parents in such areas (my father died when I was 13).
When 20 my mother once out of the blue asked me: “George,
are you a virgin?”. I replied: “no”, to
which she replied, “Your father wasn’t either when I met him and I was very
grateful!”. I felt embarrassed,
didn’t say anything further. My mother said
no more then.
Discussions with others related to sex can vary
greatly! We may presume, for example,
that means referring to penile/vaginal intercourse (with female/male
couples). This is something I’ve not had
over more than the last 10 years.
Others presume various things about me – with erectile
dysfunction that are incorrect. I can
feel very sexually aroused with my partner touching with me with light/soft
things like feathers, without any genital touching Pleasure for women varies greatly.
My partner would have been married to her previous long-term
partner, if not for the fact that legally it wasn’t possible. She has in the past defined herself as
“bisexual”, while my self-definition was “heterosexual” until I had sex with a
man. Then I saw myself as
“bisexual”.
My relationship was open beginning in 1980. In 1983, related to the AIDS Epidemic, she asked
if I would be willing to end my sexual ties with men. I’ve not had sex with a man since then. I’m now “hettish” (not a dictionary word. I’m much more attracted to women, than
men. I could imagine circumstances where
I would have sex with another man.
I’m most comfortable with direct “radical honesty” discussing
sex. You ask me a question and 99.9% of
the time I’ll answer it.
If in an open relationship, I’d want to at least minimally
note when either of us had sex with others.
I would want, for example, to recognize how one of us might not desire
sex an evening when the other had been with another partner. I recall a professor of mine, in a class
related to sexual discussing his partnership.
His partner and he had a “don’t ask – don’t tell” rule.
Is polyamory good?
It depends. Is swinging
good? It depends. Is lying to one’s partner about having sex
with others okay? (For me,) no. For me it is a major betrayal! Similarly, it would be not okay for me to
have a secret bank account, hiding money from my partner.
In my distant past I remember driving to meet a woman (for
sex). She was cheating. I’d not do that today.
I try to be open listening deeply to others. I recall being in a men’s group, where one
man discussed lying (by omission) to his wife about having a regular (other) sexual
partner. I was not the only group
member who insisted that he stop talking about his issues and what he should do
(when he told us how messed up things were going to be now that his wife was
retiring [he met his other partner when his wife was at work]). We were frustrated, both with his
accountability issues, as well as how there was no practical solution we saw to
his conundrum.
Should you act similar to me – related to much that I speak
of? That’s, for you to decide, but I’d
guess that generally I’d respect you more if disagreed with me in part, and
chose affirmatively to do what you think is best for you.
Should my partner forgive me for when I’ve deeply hurt
her? When I was first with her, I told
her that I was fine with touch not leading to being sexual. Subsequently, when I touched her, I would
push for being sexual. I totally
violated the agreement that I had made, by saying what I had said. I can look back, and understand why both I
said what I said, and did, what I did.
That in no way excuses what I did.
Only she can decide her truth related to this!
Choosing to have sex, whether partnered or not, is a
personal decision. I remember over 50
years ago when my first spouse and I were trying to get pregnant. It was more a chore, but it helped us
(eventually) have our child. I would
hope that most people find that their sex is pleasurable.
I would note that most hugs are not sexual, absent the hugs
after one may have had sex.
https://www.georgemarx.org/2025/02/hugs-loving-or-lethal.html
.
Sex often can help us grow.
Where one is partnered and having sex with one’s partner, it often can
offer opportunities to learn more – go emotionally deeper, both with one’s
partner, as well as with oneself. I
recall communicating with a poly woman who was partnered with a man and another
woman. She appreciated having time,
where the two of them could do things (sexual or not) that she didn’t like, and
have her own time. Polyamory can allow
one to learn how to communicate more deeply with multiple people. It is my understanding that some “swingers”
develop meaningful friendships with others they have sex with.
Obviously, being actively sexual, can also be complex and at
times troubling. A majority of
heterosexual partnerships, where the female has been raped by another, end
within the next 12-18 months. The pain
and trauma often deeply impacts the bonds between a couple.
In trying to have a healthy sexual life, as well as a
meaningful life in general, it seems important to listen to one’s body, as well
as others who are important to us.
Trying to be curious and open is important. It also is important to recognize who we are
as individuals. We also have limitations,
boundaries which force us in various directions at various times.
Medically, my body now makes it viable for me to try Cialis/Viagra,
unlike earlier on when my heart condition made it not advisable. Perhaps – I can have sexual intercourse
again. Regardless – I’ll never be one
who is primarily interested (for myself) in sexual intercourse, absent substantial
“sexual” and “non-sexual” touch.
If/when my partner wants to have sexual intercourse with me, I’ll want
to consider her desires, in addition to my own preferences.
I am trying to learn from my traumas of my life, from over
70 years ago through the most recent past.
I’m lucky that my traumas are “manageable”. I’m lucky that I’m advantaged in many ways.
I can not possible know what you should do with your
life! We can listen to each other. We can each choose to be curious and when
curiosity isn’t advisable, work seriously on our respective traumas.
Thanks!
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