Hugs - Loving or Lethal?
Hugs –
Loving or Lethal?
Hugs can be
a most caring connection between two or more people. They can also cause harm – detonating toxic
energy - at Another. Hugs also serve
as a metaphor for much that is both great, as well as horrible, around us.
A toxic
individual, generally a man, can be a marauding mosquito. They may seek out others. Often (wo)men are made into “bait”. Denying him “his hug” may be thrust at the
Other, as if s/he is then negating his humanity.
I try to be
cautious around women I don’t know. I don’t want to be pushing myself upon
them. I don’t want either of us to feel
me seeking their breasts through a hug.
A few days
ago I had a “hug conversation” with a close friend. When we left the restaurant he amazed me! His hug was strong, but not “macho” at all.
Around men I’m
generally hug avoidant. Some mean seem
afraid that I’ll make a pass at them, if we hug. That’s sad!
Far more
often it’s (for me), a significantly broken record. We have an invisible – narrow “mattress” between
us. It ensures that neither our chests nor
genital areas will inadvertently make actual contact.
Homophobia –
is attacking – so simply!
Then the
message is confirmed. I feel my back
pounded upon mercilessly. It reminds me
of past handshakes, where my inferiority is confirmed with the massive
squeezing of my poor hand.
-
A good hug is
a moment of layered, positive connection.
What exactly it is depends upon how we each view our relationship in
that moment. Each hug can be
uniqus. Hugs can be performative and
totally superficial. They can also be
very “intimate” in various meanings of that word.
In my
brother’s world’s, hugs could only be with our mother. Any other physical touch was systemically “Wrong”. His core religious beliefs set rigid touch
boundaries. He never had what I would
call a “girlfriend”, and never married. He missed a vital human connection
which indirectly may have resulted in his death at age 70 in 2024.
Hugs in the
U.S. may reflect much more, both in their presence and absence. As we
grow up, competition with our peers is gradually thrust into us. The “hierarchy
tree” grows fairly quickly. The teacher
and principal are “on top”. Older
children are more powerful than younger ones.
Gender may also interfere as The Patriarchy is impatient with delays in
our “learning”.
It saddens
me that we rarely learn “circles of connection”. Being a growing child could, in an ideal
world, be teaching us “community”, rather than “capitalism”.
The hug can
be part of community. It can also be
or become similar to the land acknowledgment in too many settings; rushed, very
superficial, a social necessity; nothing more.
Where a hug
is real, it contrasts with the handshake.
The handshake acknowledges that we are seemingly together in the
moment. Our togetherness is limited to
the task at hand (generally).
Our affirming
hug may show our unique bond in a mechanized, artificial world, meant to keep
us divided. In that sense it can be
revolutionary. It is our “secret
handshake” – connecting us together, while perhaps hiding “our secret” from the
much more scary (outside) “real world”.
I think with
deep sadness how we walk amongst each other too often. Our cell phone with its connection to our
ear may make a conversation impossible.
This separation may keep us “safe”.
Safe from what though?
I am often
overly trusting! While it can “get me
in trouble” sometimes, more frequently it leads to unique, deep in the moment,
connections. Very special ones may lead
to a single, meaningful hug of the moment.
The hug is –
what we make it (or don’t make it). The
hug can bring much more into our world.
This necessitates learning to open ourselves up – internally and
externally.
For me it’s
well worth it!
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