Hugs - Loving or Lethal?

 

Hugs – Loving or Lethal?

Hugs can be a most caring connection between two or more people.   They can also cause harm – detonating toxic energy - at Another.    Hugs also serve as a metaphor for much that is both great, as well as horrible, around us.

A toxic individual, generally a man, can be a marauding mosquito.   They may seek out others.   Often (wo)men are made into “bait”.  Denying him “his hug” may be thrust at the Other, as if s/he is then negating his humanity.

I try to be cautious around women I don’t know. I don’t want to be pushing myself upon them.  I don’t want either of us to feel me seeking their breasts through a hug.

A few days ago I had a “hug conversation” with a close friend.  When we left the restaurant he amazed me!  His hug was strong, but not “macho” at all.

Around men I’m generally hug avoidant.   Some mean seem afraid that I’ll make a pass at them, if we hug.   That’s sad!

Far more often it’s (for me), a significantly broken record.  We have an invisible – narrow “mattress” between us.   It ensures that neither our chests nor genital areas will inadvertently make actual contact.

Homophobia – is attacking – so simply!

Then the message is confirmed.   I feel my back pounded upon mercilessly.   It reminds me of past handshakes, where my inferiority is confirmed with the massive squeezing of my poor hand.

 -

A good hug is a moment of layered, positive connection.  What exactly it is depends upon how we each view our relationship in that moment.   Each hug can be uniqus.  Hugs can be performative and totally superficial.   They can also be very “intimate” in various meanings of that word.

In my brother’s world’s, hugs could only be with our mother.  Any other physical touch was systemically “Wrong”.   His core religious beliefs set rigid touch boundaries.  He never had what I would call a “girlfriend”, and never married. He missed a vital human connection which indirectly may have resulted in his death at age 70 in 2024.

Hugs in the U.S. may reflect much more, both in their presence and absence.    As we grow up, competition with our peers is gradually thrust into us. The “hierarchy tree” grows fairly quickly.   The teacher and principal are “on top”.   Older children are more powerful than younger ones.   Gender may also interfere as The Patriarchy is impatient with delays in our “learning”.  

It saddens me that we rarely learn “circles of connection”.   Being a growing child could, in an ideal world, be teaching us “community”, rather than “capitalism”.

The hug can be part of community.    It can also be or become similar to the land acknowledgment in too many settings; rushed, very superficial, a social necessity; nothing more.

Where a hug is real, it contrasts with the handshake.   The handshake acknowledges that we are seemingly together in the moment.   Our togetherness is limited to the task at hand (generally).   

Our affirming hug may show our unique bond in a mechanized, artificial world, meant to keep us divided.  In that sense it can be revolutionary.   It is our “secret handshake” – connecting us together, while perhaps hiding “our secret” from the much more scary (outside) “real world”.

I think with deep sadness how we walk amongst each other too often.   Our cell phone with its connection to our ear may make a conversation impossible.    This separation may keep us “safe”.  Safe from what though?

I am often overly trusting!   While it can “get me in trouble” sometimes, more frequently it leads to unique, deep in the moment, connections.  Very special ones may lead to a single, meaningful hug of the moment.

The hug is – what we make it (or don’t make it).   The hug can bring much more into our world.   This necessitates learning to open ourselves up – internally and externally. 

For me it’s well worth it!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Table of Contents and More

Big Girls Don't Cry

Daniel Marx - My Brother