Embracing (my) Autism

 

APPRECIATIVE 2 B AUTISTIC

Over the past almost 6 years, I’ve learned a lot related to Autism; specifically related to my being Autistic.   This includes both ways that Neurodiversity makes me/us “uniquely different”, as well as recognizing significance Nuances of Autism.   I know much less about having ADHD, though more recently I’ve been told that I clearly “have it” also.   

Others who are autistic– find being in a medical treatment facility very challenging.   I find it quite simple.    Others Aspies– need to keep their hands busy – knitting or squeezing – squeezable objects to calm themselves.  This is No issue for me.  In such situations I am truly lucky!

In December of 2019, my partner suggested that I take an online test to determine if I was/am Autistic.   As I wrote about subsequently – see -

https://www.georgemarx.org/2020/01/within-past-few-days-i-have-learned.html - I clearly am Autistic.   Re-reading the writing, a significant part of my life seems very (mostly positively) different, recognizing much more of the core part of me my Autistic “identity” as I increasingly live “in it”.   

I now know, contrary to then that there is relative equality in the (binary) genders of autistic people.   I learned from one of my (autistic) therapists that for me there was no need/point in being formally diagnosed.   She told me (also) that much of “the autism narrative” (my words, not hers) is related to upper-middle class white boys – roughly around age 10, which has little relevance to most of us – Aspies.

“High Functioning Autism” – seems condescending and oft times wrong as a term.   Someone regularly in my life is highly intelligent.    They are probably “highly functioning” – in that they can charm – see through – many folks and much more.    They struggle in their day-to-day life.  They are severely depressed nearly all the time.   They have had suicidal ideation for much of their life.   They are agoraphobic.

Another peer (age wise) of this person is a most sweet and well-balanced – Aspie.   They are developmentally delayed.   They are probably “Low Functioning”.   As long as they get supportive care, they will have a “good life”, though the aging and eventual death of their parents will (similarly) be tough on them.

Autism is one part of my identity.  I’m also an advantaged, hettish, white man who is Jewish.   It is not “disabling” any more that being Gender-Non-Binary or even “female” is “disabling”.   When combined with disabilities (that may have resulted in part from being shamed or similar for being our authentic selves), disability may be apparent and real!

I’ve benefited greatly from past presence in Autism Support Groups sponsored by AANE – the Association for Autism and Neurodiversity (https://aane.org/).   I talk relatively regularly with an individual I met through AANE.   I’ve had two individual therapists, and currently have both individual and couples’ therapy with professionals who are both Autistic.

I’ve spoken of being Autistic in various group sessions as well as with others individually.   Rarely is there curiosity either about Autism, or my lived experiences related to this significant part of who I am amongst others I’m around.  

Sometimes I hear denial – which is simply wrong!   At other times – I hear “so what” – which may disturb me a little because I’m bringing it up for a reason.  (Similarly, as a man, I can [and perhaps, unfortunately, do – through ignorance and failing to recognize my own sexism, because our Patriarchy, minimizes the awareness among those who are seemingly “on top”]

Clearly, being Autistic creates challenges both for some of my relationships, as well as for me.   As a child, 60-70 years ago, it was significant in my Deep Emotional Isolation from others.  I had no meaningful friends as a child.   It was a part of the reality that Depression has affected me greatly from at least age 18 until I was 67 ½ years old in late 2018.

So, why is being Autistic – something I deeply appreciate?    When I listen to individual people (whether I know them or not) talk seriously about themselves, frequently I can listen in ways that Neurotypical People may find difficult, if not next to impossible to do.   I can ignore outside distractions, a lot of my feelings and biases, and much more, and really be focused upon what the other person is sharing with me.   It can help me see a significant part of this individual’s “subjective (self) reality”.   Oft times I can feel empathy, where others may not be in a similar space.   

Being “an Outsider” in an important part of my life, can help me accept and embrace how others are also feeling “Outsiderdom”, in a world that can feel unaccepting, and even harsh to us as individuals.   In my AANE groups, Het People could care deeply for Queer People, even though in some other areas we/they might seem “rigid”.

Having moved from a world of Deep Depression and not being aware of my Neurodiversity, to a world – much deeper, loving and caring, I feel very lucky.   A lot of this relates to being Autistic, and using my strengths in (finally) building meaningful relationships with others.

Challenges – sometimes make my life more difficult.  In other ways, they give me opportunities, I likely otherwise wouldn’t have.   When I’m around others, their words often feel unclear to me.   Oft times I perceive anywhere from three to around 15 possible means of what is said to or around me.    This necessitates trying (much more deeply than I otherwise would) other cues they may give out related to what may matter to them in these moments.   Sometimes, rather that seeming limited in understanding social situations, I can pick up things that others might not perceive.

These times are Very, Very Difficult for many, if not most people!   Fascism is evolving here in the U.S. – and it’s extremely scary!

I find, with my autistic brain, that I can compartmentalize in helpful ways.  I can’t also avoid living in Deep Despair, which for many leads to serious “disconnect” – and with that emotional pain.

Living Today – I have extreme grief and significant Anger!   I’m angry – at others – who are so brain intelligent, and don’t see – the Genocide in Gaza, The West Bank and even within “Israel” itself – in a sense “at all”.   (a I address this more deeply in recent writing at:

https://www.georgemarx.org/2025/08/judilynfrank-adam-schiff.html .

Similarly, I get frustrated with others not confronting the growing move into Fascism, with their denial and lack of curiosity related to critical issues that immerse themselves in and around us.) 

My deep emotions inspire me with love, not hatred!   While I cry- feeling deep pain – with personal stories and similar that dig into me – far, far too often, this pain helps me grow and is meaningful for me!

I could say more – and am open to inquiries – for those with curiosity!

Dialogue – connecting is welcome!

IF – hating me – is “your thing” – when you tell me that I’m a “self-hating Jew”,  recognize clearly that probably you’ve not deeply processed your personal and historic trauma.  Reacting Angrily out of your Fears when you see my t-shirts – such as: “FREE PALESTINE NOW” – and threaten me or otherwise react strongly negatively (when I’ve not said a single word to you)  - s your problem, not mine.

Michael Franti with me – after a Chicago performance a few years ago

Love is The Answer – and being Loving (for me at least) necessitates working as hard as I can seeking Justice – Lasting Justice for All – everywhere!    Love is a Verb – an Action Word!   It is joyous to have the opportunity to try to grow – and really Be – for the first time in my life!