Feeling Heard - Illusions/Delusions
Feeling Heard – Illusions/Delusions
Dad and His Mother
In
September, 2024, a few of us white men took a Lyft ride to the Richmond (VA)
Airport. We were “high” from four days
of immersion and deep learning with White Men for Racial Justice allies (https://www.wmrj.org/ ). Our driver was a
Black man who was roughly 37-42 years old.
Grandpa and Me
With our
permission, he played a podcast intended to help men navigating primary
relationships with their female partners. I listened to the presenter speaking
of talking to “your woman”. He spoke of
how we differ by gender. The
patriarchal condescension, and simplistic gender norms seemed obvious to
me. The podcast bothered me.
As we
arrived at the airport, one of the men asked the driver who he was going to
vote for in the November, 2024 election.
He responded DT. One man spoke
most gently in response, asking him to read a particular writing (which he said
he would read).
Dad (a few months before his death - gaunt)
Me + Daniel (my brother)
Now why
would this Black Man have voted for Donald Trump?
In asking
such a question, I, or we, make various presumptions. I might say that he is not-intelligent. I might say he can’t distinguish between
“true reality” and what he sees. This
would be very condescending, perhaps racist, etc.
I might infer that he had thought that he'd been treated unfairly by one or more past primary partners. He might genderize far more in life. Perhaps through this he now sees Donald Trump very positively as a strong, manly leader.
Who am I to negatively judge this man? Only he (if he) can judge – his truths! Our truths differ greatly – from each other!
I’ve gone off on a tangent long enough – seeking to share how we, as individuals seriously want to really Feel Heard!
When we feel really heard, we can be open to discussions about what we seriously care about.
When we feel unheard and/or disrespected, we can't be open to meaningful dialogue.
-
We see others - through a "normalcy" lens. Being or wanting to be normal can relate both to what we seek in ourselves, as well as what we seek in others.
How do I see others? I am a white,
cis-hettish, autistic, privileged, Jewish man, 73 ½ years old now.
I look out
for my own safety, human connection and much more.
When am I
(critically) judgmental? When do I
admire – the person – I see, whether I interact with she/he/they or not? When am I apathetic? When do I not even (literally) see them,
while they are visibly in front of me?
I often visually judge people! I see a person walking ahead of me.
From their back side I may notice their hair and their clothes. I might, for example, guess that it is a relatively thin white woman perhaps in her thirties. If, perchance the person turns around, my view of their (guessed) age, gender and weight might significantly shift.
Why should any of this matter? I'm starting to ponder - the "whys" - at least guessing what such things mean. Being bullied in part of my childhood made me (frequently) scared of other boys. I’d feel safe if the other boy was significantly younger and sometimes if they were smaller than me.
Related to this I seem to seek safety around individual women – related to the residuals of my fears of men.
-
Am I delusional?
Who am I beyond some basic facts of my life?
My life has
changed dramatically since November, 2018.
Each succeeding month has increased my growth. I am wounded. I have caused serious harm. Together with the Harm, I’ve made major
progress. My confidence in myself has
gradually risen. The setbacks have generally
felt much less than the positive growth.
Am I a
hypocrite? I know that I have
inconsistencies and contradictions within my being.
I appreciate life's challenges! I see vast
worlds all around me. Some are the grays and darkness. In one sense I am – figuratively and literally-moving
towards – my own death. The ecstatic
highs – aren’t very evident.
Increasingly I feel - Deep
Meaning.
In earlier days – I struggled with serious Depression. At times I rushed through things, frantically trying (and failing) to be present. At other times – I sedated myself – with sleep – silence – horrible aloneness.
Most amazing
to me – these days is a subtle – rainbow – not at the extremes – but rather in the
middle. The middle – has a Great Depth –
a deepening within me.
My past –
was head based. My present includes
being in my head – in part. Slowly, I’m
learning of my heart. Deepening – within
my Spirit – I listen – listen and sometimes hear. This is growth – expanding mostly
positively within myself.
I don’t know
– what I don’t know. My curiosity –
expands. My trauma feels like it’s
lessoning.
Life is
challenging! I appreciate the
challenges! I’ve been very, very lucky! My luck may dissipate. Getting old – becomes a challenge for most –
at some point in our lives.
Meanwhile –
I seek Meaning – with – my grief. 2024
brought – death last year. My brother died.
My brother
and I were not close! Being with him –
as he sought to survive and then moved into his death – was very meaningful for
me.
I have deep
anger (with a piece of curiosity) – at myself.
I did – the most horrible thing I’ve ever done (also) in 2024.
I have deep
happiness! I have frustration – I seek
attention too frequently. I talk too much
(some of the time). I’m scared – to confront
– directly – Silence feels Safer (in too many moments).
I am an
amazing person – delusionally perhaps!?
I am a
Deeply Caring Person!
Feeling
Heard. Seeking – I’m not sure what.
It feels –
Incredible!
I’m Sorry –
for the Harm that I’ve caused and may continue to cause.
I’m trying
to Do Better
There are so
many wonderful people around me. Frequently - someone new - to me deeply awakens me in a new way. My Partner is Amazing! We Struggle some of the time.
I hope that sometime in my Granddaughter’s Lifetime – we will have built a lasting Just World! My Spirit – may know – may learn – of the
Worlds – of the Future!
Thanks!
ADDENDUM
Note: Some may say: "TMI" - reader - beware!
I've been aware of my Erectile Dysfunction since 1998. I've written about it multiple times. See: https://www.georgemarx.org/2019/01/erectile-dysfunction-is-highly.html - for my most recent writing and a link to a much older writing.
I was one of three people interviewed - for WUNC's (NC Public Radio) program Embodied for a show almost a year ago - see: https://www.wunc.org/podcast/embodied-podcast/2024-01-12/erectile-dysfunction-mens-health-viagra-intimacy-embodied-podcast .
I wish that more men - would join me! - You can email me through (my last name + the first three letters of my first name at gmale dot com ) (spelled correctly). I would like - to hear other men's stories and share my own.
I was motivated to write this addendum while responding to another's writing on Medium. The writer, seemingly a woman, seemed more Provocative, rather than being one open to connecting with others. In her words I heard more critical judgment, rather than caring empathy and support.
In my distant past I belonged to an online support group primarily of women, whose partners or ex-partners had E/D. Often some of these women clearly felt painful emotionaltheir isolation - tied with guilt, Some felt that they Caused - the E/D in their partners. They were kiss and hug deprived. Intimacy was gone - no longer having connection through sex, was compounded by not having simple, non-sexual physical connection.
For me - Sex - was and is Not simply- my penis - and the "loss" of full erections. There even is one positive side of this. When turned on seeing a woman, I don't worry about a visible expansion in the front of my pants, which could be very embarassing.
Why are our penises - "Weapons"? Why isn't Sex - Sharing? It can be a meaningful part of Caring for others - and for ourselves?
I try to listen. I try to hear my heart, my body, and my spirit. Through this I can learn more of who I am and want to be.
Sex can be an Opportunity — to try to Expand who we are as Individuals. It can and should involve multiple relationships we may have. In masturbation — it is relating to Ourselves (alone). It can be challenging and even seem meaningless - when we are caught in the performative messages of some media.
With Erectile Dysfunction — E/D— the lessons change.
It may try to tell me that I have physical danger , warning me to seek medical assistance to unpack it. For me it may have been high blood pressure, my cholesterol levels, or another potentially Dangerous medical condition.
Where Masturbation is “getting off” — it serves a particular part of who I am. It can (also) be listening more deeply to my body. When I listen I can Self-Sooth — and try to heal the Deep Wounds of my Childhood.
I never connected deeply with my parents or another — at all — when young. This hurt me — Deeply. This Disconnect — was aggravated further — when three boys (themselves hurting such as at least one being physically abused by his father) — would Punch me. They physically assaulted me — when they saw me along the sidewalks or in the allies near our homes.
Once a Protester at Planned Parenthood, where I'm a Clinic Escort - "exposed" a piece of himself. I would note that I do Not talk with the protesters. They probably know no more than my name and whatever they guess from my physical appearance.
He said:
“God can help you Stop Masturbating”
Sin doesn't exist in my world. This man seems damged through his religious beliefsl Growth - might be helpful here.
Erectile Dysfunction — and Sex — can also be relational — beyond ourselves. With partners — we can relate — to each other in a way which may be transactional or have Meaning.
Where I define myself — by my Penis — and thereby — now — by the Fact that I can not have a “full erection” — I limit a part of my humanity.
Sex — the physical part of it can be a part of physical touch. I generally appreciate (consensual-caring) hugs. Most commonly with other men (not only Het Men), a hug seems what I would call a “Man Hug” . It feels like a Homophobic Poundings of each others’ Backs (— while seeking to avoid Intimacy).
Gentle hand holding, Loving Touch — in Non-genital parts of your and my body — can be Human Connection — bringing us Closer — in a World that often seeks to distance us from both each other and our true authentic selves.
Curiosity — seeking connection is important.
I no longer remain silent about my Erectile Dysfunction.
Others may often painfully silence themselves out of harmed (perceived) realities — such as: “I’m too Fat” or “I’m too Thin” or “I’m too Short” or “I’m too Tall” or (as a Man) — “I have visible Boobs” or for Women the messages relating to their own breast size or much more within our heads and hearts.
When others Shame us — they are causing us Harm. When we Shame Ourselves — we are Hurting Ourselves.
Thanks!
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