WHITE MEN BEING or I’d Really Like to be With You – BUT I can’t
White Men Being
or
I’d Really
Like to be With You – BUT I can’t
“Why can’t
you?”
-
Privileged
white men – my peers – disproportionately are “not there” when it comes to
“doing the work”!
In white
Anti-Racism spaces, I normally see about 20-25% men, 75-80% gender-non-binary
and/or women. Among the white men, we
het/hettish men seem even more under-represented.
In an
embodied, not head based, nine-month training with Resmaa Menakem, less than 5%
of us were male. I struggled there. (The struggle was a good challenge for me.)
I’m “very male” in significant ways!
Before going
further, I’d like to dedicate this writing to two very special People:
Esther
Armah – an amazing
Black Woman https://www.theaiej.com/about + my review of her excellent book: https://www.georgemarx.org/2024/06/emotional-justice-esther-armah-amazing.html
I was lucky (and
privileged) both to hear her speak and to briefly talk with her and have our
picture taken together.
and: Tom
Mosmiller – a white man – who has “done the work”. During the AIDS epidemic Tom was working
finding necessary housing for those who needed it most. His professional and personal work over the
years centered on areas like domestic violence, homophobia, and core
anti-sexism work with the men, while supporting women and girls.
--
Read the Words —
Slaves were literally dragged through where we walked — not knowing their Futures at All!
We were torn out of our comfort zones last evening listening to three formerly incarcerated Black People! C - out of prison, December, 2023 - her mother had been imprisoned before her - hoping her children won't follow this part of her path! Racism 101 - for we white men - who may have thought we were well beyond that "level". It is a path - a lifetime path!
White men - check us out! It can potentially really change your life - for the "better"! We were triggered - I was triggered! It was challenging and very, good for me - more in 90 minutes!
Complete Writing:
https://www.georgemarx.org/2024/09/wmrj-white-men-for-racial-justice.html
9/29/28 - about yesterday
An Amazing Man - August 8th released last month - With Others in Solidarity
Love - not Hatred (I know I couldn't have been so Brave and Present)
(Note: I'm exhausted - more tomorrow - besides a single picture below now)
Taylor Paul - A DEEP Inspiration
--
Some white
men are wealthy. Some are upper-middle class.
Others are working class. Some
white men (as well as others who are not white men) also severely
traumatized. I’m mostly concerned with
fellow upper-middle class men who aren’t sexual assault survivors, struggling
and/or have severe mental health issues which of necessity take 99% of their
focus, or similar.
Moses, George, Imanuel (3
Generations) – 1952
Moses Marx’s
father (George Marx – who I was named after) owned a bank in Germany and
Imanuel Marx was a mathematics professor.
I grew up in a community with our public high school ranked #1 or #2 in
Indiana. My grandfather, father and I were/are all privileged,
upper-middle class white men. We lacked/lack
wealth. We were/are however well
educated in the sense of having a lot of potential opportunities both in our
work and personal lives.
In a best
of world, we privileged white men would be very there in
“doing the work”!
I know
relatively little about both wealthy and poor white men. If I want to seriously discuss them, I first
need to really deeply listen. When I’m
among a diverse group of white men, I can learn from their words.
Often though,
we white men don’t get very deep together.
We often don’t share meaningfully.
We also often don’t delve deeply into ourselves. We share facts. I used to put myself down. Joking about myself was easier than really
explaining myself.
Severely
traumatized people often focus primarily upon their physical and/or emotional
survival.
I remember my
father, Imanuel Marx talking in August, 1962 of how wrong the war in Vietnam
was. Most Americans, if they discussed
the war in Vietnam then, mimicked the U.S. Government’s line.
My father
spoke out seeking a just world. Our
family of four participated in a Civil Rights March in Lafayette, Indiana in
the Summer of either 1961 or 1962.
Three months
before he died of stomach cancer, my father’s body was wasting away as he was
basically starving to death.
In his last
few months, Dad, understandably did only what mattered the most for his
immediate life (e.g. emotional survival).
Imanuel, George and Daniel Marx –
August, 1964
I’m a clinic
escort with Planned Parenthood. I pushed
for the founding of what became Men for Equity and Reproductive Justice (MERJ https://joinmerj.org/).
The work
that fellow white men and I do is miniscule compared to others.
Amazing, and
sometimes not that amazing, women such as the Black Women leading SisterSong - https://www.sistersong.net/ have done “the work” for a long time. Jessica Valenti of Abortion, Every Day - https://jessica.substack.com/ seriously
researches abortion related issues. She
reaches a lot of people, mostly women and girls. Other (not well known) women and girls do
a lot also!
I experience
women praising my work on justice issues, particularly when they have a deep
connection to the particular issue.
When women
hear about my reproductive justice work, I often hear words like, “It’s
wonderful that you are doing this.” When
dealing with justice issues, it is easy for us to get intoxicated with the
praise!
The bar is
quite low! Many, if not most men,
including me are infested with some of the toxicity of the patriarchy. Even when we do some good work, patriarchal
toxins permeate our souls and our hearts.
I’ll get into more of what I mean by this further along in this writing.
A lot of our
socialization comes through our formal education.
Our schools
train us emotionally to be “the factory workers, secretaries, and executives”
of the past.
We rarely, as
children, are paired with younger children to mentor and support them (and
learn a lot ourselves from this as well).
It’s important that we learn to work collegially, rather than primarily competitively. We also need to remain curious, questioning and
sharing; becoming and being fully “human”.
I wonder if
there will be a day when boys will aspire to be gender-binary and/or female or
feminine? It’s sad for me to hear little girls often wishing that they
were “a boy”. I understand all too well The Patriarchy’s
impact upon this gendered issue.
As privileged
white men, What do we seek? What is our
vision of the hoped for future?
When I think
of privileged white men, I often divide us into two relatively distinct groups.
Some of us
are comfortable being ourselves. We fit
in. Being a life partner, father, son,
employee and/or neighbor seems simple and safe. Our world is generally fair. We believe that we’ve succeeded through our
hard work.
I’m not one
of those white men! I’m
neurodiverse. I’m an “outsider” in many
of the worlds I’m a part of. It goes
well beyond my neurodiversity. I was
bullied. I had no friends for most of my
childhood.
I’ve found
that most privileged, and some not-so-privileged people, that I know who are deeply
committed to social justice work are different from the norm.
Normative
people do join. Normative, privileged
white men are part of the social justice movements around us. I do,
however, call into question the Depth of commitment that many have.
My
grand-daughter is now a first grader.
I’m older (too).
I’m not that
good at “grandfathering”. I’m
privileged, no question about that. I
also face barriers.
Growing up
in a 1950’s-1960’s household where the cheapest clothes were the norm didn’t
help me fit in. Growing up without
television (by choice of our father) didn’t help. Insecure attachment with both my parents
didn’t help.
Major
depressions, not loving, nor understanding myself for much of my first 67 ½
years, didn’t help. I regret that I
wasn’t emotionally there for my life partners and my son!
In 1983 I
helped co-found Men Stopping Rape, Inc. of Madison, Wisconsin. I’m proud of that!
Besides that,
I didn’t do much for over 67 years seeking to help build a just world. I will continue to try to do what I can as
long as I can.
I understand
some of my weaknesses, as well as some of my strengths. My emotional knowledge continues to be
limited, though hopefully I’m at least moving with baby steps forward. Slowly, I’m learning to move beyond my
brain/intellect, into my heart and spirit.
I wasn’t taught that. I’m learning it!
I’m learning
to listen! The Mutual Aid Network I
joined in Chicago got me going! Thanks
Andy! You helped me greatly bringing me
in – here (there).
We each have
our own potential paths towards justice!
There are plenty of causes worth working on! In saying this I want to be very clear that
I’m not any better than other white men!
Most of us try.
Far too
frequently we use our privilege in a way that others generally avoid. We take detours, disappearing. We continue to make excuses as to why we are
where we are – content with things - or not – stuck or not.
It seems,
though, that we (in this case privileged white male) “outsiders” are much more
prevalent in at least trying to do “the work” than the “insiders” are.
I’m lucky
not to have died in my 40’s as my father and one or his brothers did.
When my
father, Imanuel Marx, died on Friday, November 13th, 1964, in my 13th
year, I was “a man”. I didn’t cry! Until I was over 30, having already been in
several men’s groups, I didn’t cry at all.
I said to myself: “How does this compare with the death of my father”,
until I -unlearned it.
My last
evening in Madison, before I moved to Chicago at age 22, I was so proud of
myself! Frank and I drank six pitchers
of beer between the two of us before I went to the bathroom.
As men, we
don’t generally learn to be in our bodies – within ourselves. I used to push my body to demonstrate my
“strength” – literally. We learn about “success”. We learn to be “highly educated”. That is “head knowledge”, as well as often
learning to take advantage of the “opportunities” of our lives.
I would
describe a lot of how we move along as being within a sort of “bubble”. Among
younger white men, there may be generational progress, among at least a
significant minority of them. They give
me hope!
Gender and
gender identity is questioned more frequently now among those who’ve more
openly experienced a variety of issues that are still fairly new to me. In the worlds of white men under about
25-30 years old, a lot of changes affect some of them.
There are
increasing splits between those who buy into Christian Hegemony, and related
Patriarchal Values, and others who see its divisive nature. There are young people today who are
organizing and deeply noting climate justice and how it relates to racism. The attempts to ban or limit access to
books can impact them or younger siblings significantly.
The ”School
of white Patriarchy” imprisons us white men.
At the same time we are in a sense “willing prisoners”. We “choose our poisons” through our
privilege.
We silently accept
what “affirmative action” for white (often privileged) boys freely gives us. Examples of this are how readily we can get
formally educated, get jobs, have good health insurance, etc.
We don’t
need “the Talk” which Black Boys need to protect them . They become at least a little less like to
die during childhood from a police officer’s bullet. Most of us aren’t even aware of what “the Talk”
is!
A simple,
basic example of some of this is to look at Barack Obama and Kamala Harris, in
contrast to white, male politicians.
Obama had to Not appear Angry – to not scare off white people. Obama couldn’t really support various
“justice programs” because then he would be perceived as pandering to
poor Black People.
Harris also
has to watch what she says being both Black and Female. She is suspected of being a “radical
leftist” or “too liberal”, while Hillary Clinton wasn’t similarly suspect. Both of them had/have to reach out to white
men in a way that white male politicians including VP candidate Walz don’t have
to.
The key
thing in all of this for me, is that as privileged white men we don’t need to
think about these issues at all most of the time!
How many of
you (privileged white men) know how dangerous childbirth is for Black
Women? Serena Williams, with perhaps
only 1/6th of her then = $30+ million – gave birth to her first
child and:
1.)
She
nearly died in childbirth and
2.)
Her
first-born nearly died as a newborn.
Are you
aware – that the risks of such deaths are roughly equal for poor white women and their newborn children to
wealthy Black Women? Being Black –
simply Being Black – the stresses of living with Racism – adds bodily risk to
most Black People. Their risk factors
for survival are similar to those for having significantly high blood pressure
and/or cholesterol levels that are well above normative levels.
Privileged
white men I meet generally don’t know this.
It isn’t generally relevant in our lives. It is an important justice issue!
At 17 or 18,
as in the picture below, I was privileged to be able to have unruly, not neat
hair, an “immature” beard, and to be able to dress however I wanted. Less privileged teens to support their
families must appear “proper” as I didn’t need to do.
Zero
non-white kids were in my kindergarten class.
Most of them graduated from my high school, rated “tops” in Indiana.
We had a lot
of stability in our lives!
I
acknowledge that I can rub peers and others the wrong way! I’m abrasive. At the same time, it’s not an “accident” or
through lack of significant, sustained efforts that MERJ – Men for Equity and
Reproductive Justice - https://joinmerj.org/ - has four committed members, three
years after we began (with the same four committed white men).
Justin,
Sean, Russell and I – confront the realities – that nearly all privileged white
men aren’t open to doing both the deep personal work and tying it to congruent
political work. Along with this we push actively to support
the work of BIPOC – women and gender-non-binary people who deserve (our)
support.
Explain to
me – George – the relevance to my life – that 20-25% of teenage girls can’t
afford sanitary supplies for when they have their periods. A high percentage of them are BIPOC. A high percentage of them miss school 4-7
days each month.
They are
ashamed of the blood, that would be visible on their clothes. Tampons – aren’t free! At the same time Viagra is important in some
of our lives.
I see the
white men at the yearly protest for abortion rights. I don’t see fellow privileged white men doing
the work more than in token numbers most of the time. When I wear my t-shirts which say: “KEEP ABORTION SAFE & LEGAL” on the back
and: “MANTANER EL ABORTO SEGURO Y LEGAL” on the front a “funny” thing
happens. I’m frequently in Berkeley,
Oakland, and San Francisco, a “liberal” part of our country.
Men speak to
me in response to my shirts. Almost
never do I hear negative words from anyone.
Roughly 60% of the men who speak to me are Black. Roughly 10% of the men who speak to me are white.
Roughly 60%
of the men I pass by are white (not Black).
Roughly 10% of the men I pass by are Black (not white).
The Black
men who speak to me rarely appear wealthy.
The private security guard uniform gives that away. They “get it”!
The really
sad thing about:
I’d Really
Like to be With You – BUT I can’t
Or:
I’d Really
Like to be With You – BUT I can’t
Is the deep
connections we make with fellow white men!
Kevin - https://www.wmrj.org/ - has a most meaningful community of
fellow white men within White Men for Racial Justice!
Dan in
Suburban Chicago has his community of white men from Chicagoland supporting him
as he supports Black Trans Men in Chicago.
Bill similarly makes the food that is shared with “The Community” (not a
privileged one). Though he has
frustrations working with us, he sees deep meaning building with us in Our
Privileged white (male) Community. His
young children have a great role model at the protests related to Dobbs (overthrew
Roe vs. Wade)– and its devastating impact upon women, girls and gender
non-binary people, particularly, those who aren’t privileged.
We,
privileged, white men, are often alone – lonely – or trying to do the
work alone. Let’s work together! We can do a lot! Being uncomfortable – some of the time - can
be helpful for us!
Justice –
Lasting Justice – is Important! Others
– are already doing this Important Work!
Let’s see – that it really is in (for most of us) fact in our own
best interest, as well as the right/just thing for us to do – Being Our
True Selves – or better stated as:
I’d really
like to and I’m trying … and doing more
– whatever it may be! It’s not a race,
but a lifelong journey.
I would love
it if you become:
1.)
My
ally in joining – perhaps look at: https://www.wm4j.org/ - if you want to
connect directly with me – it has an email address you can use, and/or
2.)
My
co-conspirator – when we – put our “bodies on the line” – directly opposing
injustices – in the moments, and/or –
3.)
my
friend.
Thanks!
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