Part I - White Man - I'm Impatient!
Fellow white
man, I’m impatient! We are not on the
same path! I do not want to be your
“buddy”. I am open to, and welcoming of
“allyship”, however I’m very skeptical.
Over five
years ago we started working together.
I certainly was a “mixed bag” then.
One thing I had, though, was a drive towards serious systemic
change. Building that change required
that I deepen my personal work. I also
needed to go well beyond the personal work (alone).
Helping
build the change necessitates:
1. 1. Confronting other white men and
welcoming their confronting of me,
2. 2. Being deeply uncomfortable
frequently,
3. 3. Feeling like and often being an
“outsider” in various spaces,
4. 4. Listening deeply and being seriously
curious,
5. 5. Making mistakes and trying to
minimize the harm that we and I create,
6. 6. Welcoming the journey – the process –
not being “end goal” attached,
7. 7. Working with others – not being an
individual pushing forward alone,
8. 8. Being Accountable – internally within
myself and among us fellow white men, as well as to others.
I see a lot
of fellow white men who are:
1. 1. Quite aware of “the issues”,
2. 2. Well intentioned,
3. 3. Doing “the work” and
4. 4. Ineffective and at times even
consistently harming and/or greatly limiting others.
Example: Several years
ago a group of white men began meeting regularly seeking to work with and
support working class white men. They
certainly had a lot going for them!
I’ve found where they seem to be at deeply disturbing.
It was probably a good idea that they were a closed
group. It was good that they built
internal trust and took the time to have clear objectives. Where did they go wrong?
I can’t be entirely sure that they’ve seriously messed
up. There are significant warning signs
though! During the time that they built
their project together, they weren’t accountable to others within the larger
group. Whatever transparency they had
is visible, if at all, to only “insiders” in the organization.
There were no regular, detailed reports, put forth so that I,
and others, might know what they were doing.
There was no way that I, and others, could give feedback, as they moved
ahead.
Now they are doing things.
They may well be doing excellent things.
We, the outsiders, were welcomed to a meeting to learn about
their work and to connect with them.
That meeting disappointed me, as well as allies of mine! We listened to three or four of these men
tell their personal stories. There then
was a little time for questions and feedback.
We were again told to wait – wait – wait. The questions were only superficially
addressed and there was no time for us to connect.
The process could have been substantively different! The lack of outside input all along,
unfortunately, lead to tunnel vision that greatly limited the meeting.
I could have been in a breakout group where one of these men
could have told his story. We could
have interacted with him (alone). We
could have had the time to deeply really hear and experience him.
We could have connected with each other.
There then could have been time in the larger group for more than
superficial answers to questions. We
could have been welcomed into the work now, not told to wait.
This story is a metaphor for we white men and how we
“dysfunctionalize” our efforts. We are
buddies, huddling together. We lack the
support of each other, because we shut each other out until it is too late to
connect. We are over-burdened. Our work moves slowly, creeping forward, if
moving forward at all.
White men aren’t waiting for us! Some of them are doing the work elsewhere,
apart from us fellow white men. Some of
them reached out, but when finding the path blocked, aren’t seeking to do the
work (any longer). The most “effective”
of these men have indeed found their place!
They were and are welcome blaming: women, immigrants, liberals, Black
and Brown People! We have failed to
reach them (in time).
I’m impatient!
MERJ, Men for Equity and Reproductive Justice (www.JoinMERJ.org) began in the Fall of 2021.
We had four deeply committed white men.
As I write today, we still have exactly (the same) four committed white
men.
MERJ’s failures is tied to the issues that isolate us. STAND in the Bay Area has similar
issues. The largest group seemingly
working nationally on these issues may be really changing in positive
directions. If they are, their lack of
transparency, makes their work invisible except to their “private club”.
Our toxicity as white men keeps us on the sidelines much of
the time! When we do the work it tends
to be either limited, flawed, or invisible to (most) fellow white men.
One might think that we would learn from the women! We might think that Queer, Working Class
Black Women and Non-Binary Folks would inspire our work. We might think that we would be financially
and otherwise supporting these women in meaningful ways. We might think that our curiosity would lead
us to numerous challenging, important others and their work. We might think that we are actually building
a real deep, important movement.
I have amnesia! I
have forgotten who we are! We remain
who we are! We are stuck in
Patriarchy! We aren’t deeply committed
for multiple reasons. We don’t “need”
to either be doing to work, or to sustain our efforts.
I’m impatient!
(NOTE: This will be a
two Part Writing – to be followed by:
“White Man – Let’s Work Together” – which will follow once it
is written.)
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