Moving Towards Positive, Healthy, White Masculinity (I)
Moving Towards Positive, Healthy, White Masculinity is a major part of my journey. It is lifelong, with multiple significant parts. Healing from my childhood and ancestral trauma is significant. Parts of my trauma can easily derail me.
Late one night I was driven to the emergency room in intense pain, with what turned out to be kidney stones. In this “crisis state” I could only focus upon surviving each moment. Similarly, when deeply struggling physically or emotionally, moving forward requires significantly lighter pain.
Being uncomfortable, and feeling discomfort, is common for me. It isn’t helpful in situations such as when worrying about my weight, or whether I will be calm at an upcoming social occasion.
Some discomfort can be most useful for me. Being a Clinic Escort is challenging. Being male in predominantly female space can make me anxious. Seeing young women and girls enter an Abortion Clinic looking sleep deprived and scared, brings both anger and sadness deep within me.
This - is what I would call “good” or “helpful” - stress. Being privileged and in “other” space gives me a glimpse of a lot that I Do Not Otherwise Face. Significant growth can grow within me when I delve deeply within my spirit. Such movement can go into a “nirvana” of self-centeredness. I try, instead, to use my curiosity, both outwardly and inwardly, learning - and taking in valuable Significant Fairy Dust.
Curiosity - is Vitally important - as I seek meaning in my life! My ears, eyes, smell and much more need to open up and really absorb the air around me.
I was shut down nearly totally for most of my life.
Depression - predominated. My world was Very Binary. I loved things or I hated them. I didn’t see so much that was around me. It was “in-between” or just a light to heavy fog - hiding all that I wasn’t grabbing at.
For many - Depression - is a total Dead End! No one is there for them, and they can easily sink deeper and deeper into the abyss. For white men, as well as other men, we can easily have little to tie us to “relationship” - with the community or communities around us - who can and do listen and support their brethren.
I was lucky to have the support of others!
I embrace my emotions - while recognizing that I need to listen to them, but not be ruled by them. For a long time - I lived in my head, not in my heart.
Being “tough” has never been important to me as a man. For many of us our “honor”, and toughness is most important.
In additional writings, I will try to expand my focus on masculinity and what it is and can be.