XXIV - Much Better - Is the Glass Half Full? - Feelings

 

XXIV - Much Better - Is the Glass Half Full? - Feelings

I’m doing my best to Slow Down - in My Body - in My Mind - in basically all of me that matters.   When I’m “racing” inside - my body tenses up and I have physical pain.  Emotionally - also, I’m really lost in such moments - which can stretch out.

Being in my body, moving into myself, I’m really lucky.   If pressures and pain were pouring into me, being in myself might be, indeed probably would be, incredibly challenging in most unpleasant ways.

I return often to the question of whether:

The glass is half full

Or

Is it half empty?

What does this mean?

Some of the time it feels like my glass is far more than half full!    When I’m proud of an accomplishment, I feel very satisfied.   When I am involved in mutual aid related work, I feel very connected - it’s far beyond - “half full”.

Other things in my life can be much more challenging (and even very difficult for me).   From the outside, they may appear easy or at least normal and not outside of the ordinary.

Feelings (for me) are often deep and complex.   I “over-react” a lot!   My sadness can appear grossly exaggerated.   My happiness can appear wildly beyond - what one “should” have related to what I’ve experienced.

I try to face the complexities of my life with compassion for myself and for others, as well.   Compassion - doesn’t eliminate the guilt or even shame that can pulse through me.   

Others - say that shame - hinders one’s path - stopping one from moving forward.   I can not say that shame doesn’t paralyze others from their life’s journey.  For me, I believe that it is sometimes much different.

When one consistently seeks the glass as half-empty - it can multiply - as the half drops to a quarter, dropping then to a sixteenth.  It may eventually seem like a speck of dust or sand.

The feelings - have a huge amount of pain, sadness multiple many, many times over - in such a difficult world of hurt.

I can visualize - such a reality - intellectually, however I can not feel it.   Through off and on deep depression over decades -  my word wasn’t half empty.   It was nearly totally empty, with minor and limited escapes of happiness.   I couldn’t dig deeply into things - I had no capacity for depth - I didn’t know of my emotions - I wasn’t into myself - I kept myself at a distance.

Being within my core - my essence is both a goal - a lifetime (I hope) goal - as well as a reality - I spend a lot of time in.

I am impacted by a lot!   The traumas of my childhood persist within me, though their strength lessens over time as my personal work deepens.  

I do discover dysfunctional patterns within myself.   Some of them I cling to.   While clinging, when I find them, I try to note if they are giving me something that I desire or need.   The shame I feel related to some things I’ve done over past decades, may seem at first glance to be dysfunctional.   It is a painful tumor, that remains lodged within me.

I do not want to let go of this shame.   It reminds me of work I am doing, and need to do.  It also reminds me that I remain responsible for the consequences of my actions,  and inactions that built the tumor into what it is from its core - outward to its outer shell.

It is immaterial that I can explain the “why” which explains, rationalizing why I failed in the past.   I was still wrong, while recognizing that I lacked the capacity then to deal effectively with it.  Often I was causing harm to others, and myself.   Saying it appears not to be “immaterial” doesn’t mean that it doesn’t matter.  It does matter.   It is immaterial in that I can’t change my past.  I can only learn from it - and try to grow into more helpful space.

In general, I avoid looking at things where I might see a reality of either “half full” or “half empty”.   Seeing things in these ways creates a binary for me.  That binary often isn’t helpful.   A rainbow - spreading wide in multiple dimensions is more useful - as a descriptive word.    Within my rainbow, I can’t and don’t see all the multitude of colors, shapes, motion, and more.  I see images that deepen, as well as at times pulling back.  Then I may see relatively little that is out there.

I experience much and I seek to experience more.

I try harder, and I have increased success in my movement.  I also, of course, have setbacks, and even at times defeats.  Making mistakes may, at times, be useful.  At times they are serious, painful mistakes!   Even then, I try to take positive energy, and knowledge and more then.  I also recognize the hurt, and loss, I’ve created.

Life is often nuanced, and complex!   Breaking things down into manageable chunks - I try.  I learn a lot - from such moments!

I’m an Older man!   I’m also a young child - learning - from the “real” children and young adults!

Often at a slower pace than I wish, I grow - and try to move forward.   It can be challenging!

It is Most Meaningful!