XIX - Much Better - I Try

 

I Try

I Really TRY!

I know that I have failed

in what you Want From Me

I Try

I Can’t Undo My Hurtful

and Neglectful Parts -

of The Past (with you)

I Want to Do Better!

When You Ask Me

to give it All,

Rather Than

a teeny tiny bit

It is Very Clear

That

The Disconnect

Between Us

Reflects

My/Your - Intent

From

Your/My Impact

as well as

How

We are so Dramatically

Different

I Say: 

“Tow-May-Tow”

and

You Hear:

“Toe-Mah-Toe”

I Readily Acknowledge

While Not Accepting

Past (and sometimes present) Failures

I’ve Done

Blaming Myself (now, not back then)

Apologizing

Knowing

That it feels like

Another Excuse

In My Previous Life

I Simply Shut Down

When I Heard

What I Took

to be

Criticism

You Were

Speaking

What You Felt

Being Honest

With Me.

I Heard

That I Wasn’t OK - Very, Very Wrong

and Lacked the Capacity

to Listen

And Accept

The Totality

or a Part

of What

Had Hurt - or Just Minimally Touched

You

Now

I Thank You

For Being Direct

And Honest

With Me,

While Also

Absorbing

and Processing

The Part

or Whole

of The Nick

or Wound

That You Face

(as I see it then)

Feelings, Feelings, Feelings

Come Gushing Out

of All of This

I Cry a Lot!

Sometimes

Invisibly - to You

and Others

And Sometimes

Most Visibly

You Clearly Judge Me

Perhaps Not Quite

as Bad

as It Feels

Inside Me

I Do Not Feel Pride

I Do Not Feel Satisfied

I Do Feel

That

I Can Do Better

Doing Better

Can

Be Easier

When you -

Help Me

With (my attempts at) Baby Steps

at Least

Your Silences

May be Best

From Your Perspective

For Me

They Make it

Harder

to Find

My Way

Along the Path

Forward

Forward - is Where

I’m Going

and

Trying to Go (Faster)

With Patience

and

Understanding

I Do Care

For You

And For Myself

I regret the Hurt

That I’ve Caused

I regret Much, Much

More

Harm

I should not have caused

I’m Trying Seriously

To Be

To Be

Living a Meaningful Life

Growing

Learning How Little I Really Know

The More That I Learn

The More That I Have

to Learn

Learning

is Usually

NOT

Facts

Learning

Is

Being in My Heart

Growing Into My Spirit

Learning

is

Being Present

Through the Tough Stuff

as Well as

The Pleasures

of Life

Sadness and Pain

And Hurt

Meaning

Begins from

Being and Staying

Vulnerable

Being and Staying

Present

Being Real

Making Mistakes

and Learning from Them

Doing “the work”

Of Growing

Applying Lessons

from My Heart

to Be With -

Beginning Connection

and Connections

With Others

Loving,

Really Loving

Myself

and Not

Being Trapped

in Either

My Privilege,

Nor

My Areas

Where I am Far

Far - from the

Privilege

Others - Have

Growing Positively

Has Deep Meaning

in Community

With Others

While Often

Remaining

-        An Outsider

I will always be an Outsider

Thankfully

Moving

Now - Towards

Connection,

Towards Reaching

Beyond,

Far Beyond

on My Path

Moving

Hoping

That

Looking Back

on

My Death Bed

Whether

Tomorrow

or Many Years

from Now

-        That I Did My Best

Starting

A Few Short Years

Ago

Being - Being

(on a path towards becoming)

Who I Want to Be!

I am on my Journey!

It Continues,

And

Will Move Forward

-        Where?

I Can Not Possibly Know

I Am Very Thankful!

I Do Try!

 

 

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