VIII - Much Better - Rushing and Time

Yesterday I started out with much optimism!   I was looking forward to the workshop I was co-producing that evening.    My optimism was rudely interrupted at 10:05 a.m.   I had arrived at Goodwill to drop off mostly clothes, and because it was about 2 minutes until their opening time – a chain blocked one entry to their parking lot.  I parked blocking the entry -and left my clothes with the man just opening up.

I looked in my left side mirror upon returning to our car, it looked clear – and moved into the street, immediately colliding with a passing car.   I was angry at myself!

Why was I in such a hurry?   Why am I rushing – so much – as my driving is certainly not as good, as it was when I was younger!    What is my rush – for life in general?

Am I afraid – I don’t have enough time?   If that is true, what does that mean?   Multiple answers and new questions arose and arise.   Patience, George!   Appreciate the moments – do your best – but have confidence in things And enjoy the process(es) – the being, the air – the light – around you (me)!

What is time?   My sleep is generally brief – and never long.  I sleep soundly and for short periods of time.

And then – the workshop – last evening – after a much needed nap, was wonderful!   I didn’t feel rushed – I didn’t rush.   I had learned – in the moment – much more learning – to come. 

There was a lot of heart – in the men – who were at the workshop with me.  I felt a lot of connection to men – who I care about, and men I don’t know – and one man reached out – to connect beyond now.

What is time?

I have the time now.  I will have the time – how long – I have no way of knowing.  Time – is precious now.   Time is also  - spacious – spaced – paced – not needing to be rushed.

I need nothing on the surface.  I desire a lot – do I deserve what I desire?  I have caused too much harm.  While I can’t undo the harm, how do I live – acknowledging the harm.  I try,  Do I try enough?

Who am I?   Do I change?  Can I change?

Where is my pain stored?   Am I healing from my childhood?   Why did it take so long – to begin to move forward?

It is a challenge!   Challenges are good (for me)!

What if today is the best day of my life?   Why not?

I look forward to tomorrow!  I hope that someday – I will look back fondly.  

I haven’t had the time – lately – to do much looking back.  

Time.

Am I rushing – have I been rushing – out of fear

… or pain – my hurt?

Is it from – my growth ?

Is it good?

What is “good”?

I am…

I will be …

I am not rushing now.

I will try …. 

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