VIII - Much Better - Rushing and Time
Yesterday I started out with much optimism! I was looking forward to the workshop I was co-producing that evening. My optimism was rudely interrupted at 10:05 a.m. I had arrived at Goodwill to drop off mostly clothes, and because it was about 2 minutes until their opening time – a chain blocked one entry to their parking lot. I parked blocking the entry -and left my clothes with the man just opening up.
I looked in my left side mirror upon returning to our car, it looked clear – and moved into the street, immediately colliding with a passing car. I was angry at myself!
Why was I in such a hurry? Why am I rushing – so much – as my driving is certainly not as good, as it was when I was younger! What is my rush – for life in general?
Am I afraid – I don’t have enough time? If that is true, what does that mean? Multiple answers and new questions arose and arise. Patience, George! Appreciate the moments – do your best – but have confidence in things And enjoy the process(es) – the being, the air – the light – around you (me)!
What is time? My sleep is generally brief – and never long. I sleep soundly and for short periods of time.
And then – the workshop – last evening – after a much needed nap, was wonderful! I didn’t feel rushed – I didn’t rush. I had learned – in the moment – much more learning – to come.
There was a lot of heart – in the men – who were at the workshop with me. I felt a lot of connection to men – who I care about, and men I don’t know – and one man reached out – to connect beyond now.
What is time?
I have the time now. I will have the time – how long – I have no way of knowing. Time – is precious now. Time is also - spacious – spaced – paced – not needing to be rushed.
I need nothing on the surface. I desire a lot – do I deserve what I desire? I have caused too much harm. While I can’t undo the harm, how do I live – acknowledging the harm. I try, Do I try enough?
Who am I? Do I change? Can I change?
Where is my pain stored? Am I healing from my childhood? Why did it take so long – to begin to move forward?
It is a challenge! Challenges are good (for me)!
What if today is the best day of my life? Why not?
I look forward to tomorrow! I hope that someday – I will look back fondly.
I haven’t had the time – lately – to do much looking back.
Am I rushing – have I been rushing – out of fear
… or pain – my hurt?
Is it from – my growth ?
Is it good?
What is “good”?
I will be …
I am not rushing now.
I will try ….