VII - Much Better - Out of My Head - II
Until recently, as I have alluded to, my world(s) was/were limited largely to being in my intellect/ head. I deeply pushed myself towards things I liked (often excessively), and otherwise tried to distance myself from things and areas I didn’t like (often excessively). I read non-fiction, and avoided most fiction like the plague. When I met or was around others, I tried to engage deeply with them, or I tried to be as invisible as I could – depending upon initial reactions I felt.
As I’ve changed over the past few years, I’ve found so much more of interest in my life! I watch a lot. I listen a lot. I face challenges I would have strongly avoided. Occasionally, I’m bored. More commonly, I find nuances pushing and pulling me all over the place. Sometimes things evolve into being really fascinating, and then I’m so happy that I didn’t shut myself off (as I would have done not so long ago).
I explore meaning – in many situations. It may be how something has or doesn’t have meaning for someone else. It may be why I’m in such a hurry to move on. Have I been bored in a similar situation in the past, or upset with things or what?
Clothes, hair styles, make-up or a lack of it, seeming dissonance internally within the presentation of another person – can evolve into a lot of questions that remain for another time. Is this person really superficial, as they look to me, or are my prejudices interrupting me see something that perhaps I would like to notice.
Sometimes – I open up to something in someone that is painful to hear. I see a total inconsistency in another person, and I choose clearly to Not confront them, respecting their right to do what is right for them in their own mind and heart.
It is okay now to feel a little hurt or upset! I can live in my pain. Experiencing – whatever is going on is interesting, sometimes challenging, and really helpful for me.
In general – having curiosity and being open to nuances of all kinds of things – opens up a lot of opportunities to experience – lots of stuff around me. I can find stuff that is really incredibly interesting coming out of things that at first appearance might not appear – relevant or useful for me. I can also find things that aren’t at all fascinating – but teach me valuable lessons – for living on – where I’ve been overly judgmental – and no longer need to be in “safe space”, existing in discomfort and both feeling and thinking about Why Am I – feeling what I’m feeling – curiosity – listening – growing in ways, some tiny, some a little more significant for me.
Some areas are just too far from my life experience – where I can’t and don’t want to bother – pushing myself into hearing, what is simply really tough to hear. I can accept some limits on myself – where trying is either too painful, or just too challenging to take in something more than briefly and superficially.
I’m thinking – in a different – way – a totally different way of the incredibly funny movie – International House - starring WC Fields – where Gracie Allen – is staring at a map – showing the flight path of WC – in his “gyroplane” (like a helicopter sort of) – a random zig zagging – where people are aware of Fields’ arrival in their area – as he throws his beer bottles – overboard – reining down on the locale – Gracie (she was incredibly intelligent in reality – but was shown as being “ditsy” in her role(s)) – thinks the flight path – is fascinating – when it is simply nonsensical and bizarre.
There – was non – sense – nonsense – not “understandable” – but extremely humorous!
My mind wanders! It’s okay!
Life is good – often challenging – but very interesting and a lot of the time -funny - sometimes not “ha-ha” – funny – but humorous!
In other ways – it is my spirit – my heart – my feelings – and being in the moments of my life – as things flow into and out of me. I cry in some movies – I’d never have cried in earlier years – I wasn’t in my feelings – my moods – images that came up. Sometimes it’s tragic – sad – in other times it’s just – silly sadness.
My spirit and heart are expanding and changing – going all over the place. I care – I really do. I don’t care about everything or everyone, but I care – for things that have meaning – that have real depth to them – for me at least.
Who am I?
I am – changing – not always the “same” person – though my core values – are built upon – not lessened at all!
Sadness comes more frequently than anger, but I can, at times, be very angry! Sometimes I’m angry at myself. I’m angry at others hurting – those who make them uncomfortable. I’m angry at deep cruelty. I’m angry at intolerance.
I’m sad – at – the depth of the deep trauma that others around me have. The pain – and suffering in their soles – saddens me deeply.
It is different when I’m hurt – through the pain of another – where I’m both hurt and saddened. I’m frustrated, also. I’m angry, though sometimes sadder, when it feels like I don’t need to be ignored or trivialized – or to be the recipient – of what reflects more of the other person – than me.
It is complicated! It is challenging! It helps make life more meaningful!
Life is different! I’m really in it – no longer on the sidelines of my own being.