Sadness Today - Memories - Reflections
Today is Friday, November 13, 2020
It was Friday, November 13, 1964
I was 13
- - -
We were going to go to Evanston
from West Lafayette
to visit the Copelands (junior)
for the weekend
Around Labor Day, 1961
If the medical results
were not serious
We stayed home
Christmastime - 1961
Mother is crying - alone
She has learned -
at age 34
That she will be
a widow
Not too far away
She chooses
That He will
not be told
He is offered
an opportunity
for a sabbatical year
in Zurich
Thankfully
after surgery
in the spring
He is much better
remission
We take the train
to NYC
It is wonderful
for me
the M.S. Oslofjord
7 days - at sea
A different flavor
of ice cream
twice - each day
Bergen - is very beautiful - it gets dark close to Midnight
then Stavanger and then Kristiansand
through the beautiful fjords
finally Oslo - also very beautiful
Then the train to Stockholm
for Father - the Quadra-Annual
International Math Conference
We have a ball -during the days there
While there - Michael Golomb
is asked if he has an apartment
in Zurich - and having one
he refers the opening to us
We end up with an incredible view
in Zurich - Freudenbergstrasse 144
- before this - we are off
to the Netherlands
and then London
Helene Felsenstein - in Golders Green
the oldest surviving sister of his father
and other descendants of hers
A wonderful year - no symptoms
We travel a lot - including taking
the boat from Naples to Haifa
arriving for the first night of Pesach (Passover)
My father sees much of his Family
He has not seen since he left Berlin
in 1927
The "Mighty" S.Y. Agnon - (Israel's first Nobel Laureate)
his uncle by marriage
We return - home in August, 1963
and
The remission is over
In April, 1964
In Billings Hospital (U of Chicago Hospitals)
He takes the bus to
Lafayette - on a pass
for my Bar Mitzvah
- a Thursday evening - so
my (Orthodox Jewish) grandfather and aunt
can be driven
My Mother
forcefully asks the rabbi
to make the service short
- and my father
is forced to leave the temple
while the Kaddish (the prayer for the dead)
is going on
My father is invited
to be a part of a team
of mathematicians working
at Stanford U - that summer
preparing a four semester
high school calculus series
His best friend from NYU -
Al Blank (who died very recently)
invites him
We see - the "whoopla"
outside the hotels in San Francisco
for the Democratic Convention
Meanwhile
Father weakens - rapidly
At the end of the summer
We've trained it - to L.A.
and stop at Grand Canyon
and Denver - is skipped
He is too weak.
My mother now carries
his briefcase - and drives
him to Purdue -
for his classes
A colleague
stops by the house
and
he is not home
He asks Mother
"He does have it, doesn't he?!"
"Cancer" is never spoken
I do not believe -
that my father ever
talked about his cancer
with his closest - friends
or probably even his father
He - struggles to keep teaching
focusing upon his work
Trying - to forget
for the Moment
His Reality
June, 1965
Jerusalem -
His father's 80th Birthday
He begins to realize
he won't live that long
He starts to plan
to visit his father
for Christmas vacation
For a few days
He seems stronger
Wednesday, November 11th
They go to see the Louisville Symphony
at Purdue
The first selection
isn't good
Mother says:
"Why don't we go home now"
and he says:
"It will get better - let's stay"
and they enjoy the music
after the intermission
Thursday morning
He feels very
bad
after teaching his class
Mother takes him
to the hospital
Nothing substantive is found
In this - pre-Medicare time
They say,
"Why don't you stay overnight
in the hospital?"
(because he was due back - the next morning
for already scheduled testing)
The first night in the hospital
in the last six months
He finally lets go
My mother is called
and rushes to the hospital
At 6:45 a.m. -
She calls up the stairs
Waking my brother
and me
Saying:
"Get up, Daddy died this morning"
I didn't cry - then
For the next 18 years
I never cried
(I told myself (stupidly) -
"How does this compare
with the Death of Your Father?")
I cry - today -
Tears - are important for me
I remember -
Though I never bonded with my father
or my mother,
I am sad - at the loss
Which was much more devastating
to my - then 11 year old Brother
- Friday, November 13th - 1964
- I was 13
My father opposed the War in Vietnam
speaking of it
to relatives around London
in August, 1962
when most Americans
had never heard of Vietnam
He was opposed
to Guns
- we weren't allowed
to have squirt guns -
because they were guns
He brought the idea of
the Friends of the Library
- used book sale
to West Lafayette
I never had a chance to say:
"Goodbye"
My parents - chose to
try to "keep things normal"
and never talked about
Dad's illness
I remember - clearly
the call at 6:45 a.m. that morning -
(Naive me) had never thought about
or realized -
that my father was dying,
But,
It made perfect sense - when she told us
that he had died.
I am sad
I am glad - that I have had the chance
to live to be 69 years old
I am glad - that I can express my feelings
now - and really feel my sadness
Tears - are important
Pain - is not (only) a bad thing.
It was wonderful today -
to talk with a friend I grew
up with - who remembered
Dad
I did not feel - alone -
in that moment
and
her kindness
helped me a lot -
through a difficult day.
B - also - allowed me a lot
of freedom - expressing her
love - making this difficult
day - have much more meaning.
Thanks!
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