XXIV - Much Better - Is the Glass Half Full? - Feelings
XXIV - Much Better - Is the Glass Half Full? -
Feelings
I’m doing my best to Slow Down - in My Body - in My
Mind - in basically all of me that matters.
When I’m “racing” inside - my body tenses up and I have physical
pain. Emotionally - also, I’m really
lost in such moments - which can stretch out.
Being in my body, moving into myself, I’m really
lucky. If pressures and pain were
pouring into me, being in myself might be, indeed probably would be, incredibly
challenging in most unpleasant ways.
I return often to the question of whether:
The glass is half full
Or
Is it half empty?
What does this mean?
Some of the time it feels like my glass is far more
than half full! When I’m proud of an
accomplishment, I feel very satisfied.
When I am involved in mutual aid related work, I feel very connected -
it’s far beyond - “half full”.
Other things in my life can be much more challenging
(and even very difficult for me). From
the outside, they may appear easy or at least normal and not outside of
the ordinary.
Feelings (for me) are often deep and complex. I “over-react” a lot! My sadness can appear grossly
exaggerated. My happiness can appear
wildly beyond - what one “should” have related to what I’ve experienced.
I try to face the complexities of my life with
compassion for myself and for others, as well.
Compassion - doesn’t eliminate the guilt or even shame
that can pulse through me.
Others - say that shame - hinders one’s path -
stopping one from moving forward. I can
not say that shame doesn’t paralyze others from their life’s journey. For me, I believe that it is sometimes much
different.
When one consistently seeks the glass as half-empty -
it can multiply - as the half drops to a quarter, dropping then to a
sixteenth. It may eventually seem like a
speck of dust or sand.
The feelings - have a huge amount of pain, sadness
multiple many, many times over - in such a difficult world of hurt.
I can visualize - such a reality - intellectually,
however I can not feel it. Through off
and on deep depression over decades - my
word wasn’t half empty. It was nearly
totally empty, with minor and limited escapes of happiness. I couldn’t dig deeply into things - I had no
capacity for depth - I didn’t know of my emotions - I wasn’t into myself - I
kept myself at a distance.
Being within my core - my essence is both a goal - a
lifetime (I hope) goal - as well as a reality - I spend a lot of time in.
I am impacted by a lot! The traumas of my childhood persist within
me, though their strength lessens over time as my personal work deepens.
I do discover dysfunctional patterns within
myself. Some of them I cling to. While clinging, when I find them, I try to note
if they are giving me something that I desire or need. The shame I feel related to some things I’ve
done over past decades, may seem at first glance to be dysfunctional. It is a painful tumor, that remains lodged
within me.
I do not want to let go of this shame. It reminds me of work I am doing, and need
to do. It also reminds me that I remain
responsible for the consequences of my actions, and inactions that built the tumor into what
it is from its core - outward to its outer shell.
It is immaterial that I can explain the “why”
which explains, rationalizing why I failed in the past. I was still wrong, while recognizing that I
lacked the capacity then to deal effectively with it. Often I was causing harm to others, and
myself. Saying it appears not to be “immaterial”
doesn’t mean that it doesn’t matter. It
does matter. It is immaterial in that I
can’t change my past. I can only learn
from it - and try to grow into more helpful space.
In general, I avoid looking at things where I might
see a reality of either “half full” or “half empty”. Seeing things in these ways creates a binary
for me. That binary often isn’t
helpful. A rainbow - spreading wide in
multiple dimensions is more useful - as a descriptive word. Within my rainbow, I can’t and don’t see
all the multitude of colors, shapes, motion, and more. I see images that deepen, as well as at times
pulling back. Then I may see relatively
little that is out there.
I experience much and I seek to experience more.
I try harder, and I have increased success in my
movement. I also, of course, have
setbacks, and even at times defeats.
Making mistakes may, at times, be useful. At times they are serious, painful mistakes! Even then, I try to take positive energy, and
knowledge and more then. I also recognize
the hurt, and loss, I’ve created.
Life is often nuanced, and complex! Breaking things down into manageable chunks
- I try. I learn a lot - from such
moments!
I’m an Older man!
I’m also a young child - learning - from the “real” children and young
adults!
Often at a slower pace than I wish, I grow - and try
to move forward. It can be challenging!
It is Most Meaningful!
Comments
Post a Comment