XI - Much Better - Sadness, Grief, and Pain
Fully feeling my sadness and grief, as well as taking in and experiencing deeply my pain(s) – provides significant meaning in my life. When it is “too much” – I do need to let up and move out of “survival mode” – get beyond it – back into my growth.
Kidney stones – initially – tore me apart – making me feel almost like death was near. After I was admitted to the hospital, the pain lessoned. I then had the time to experience – the pain. Letting go – slowly being – in the moments – was very, very different – from how I had lived most of my prior life.
I was in a hurry – most of the time – rushing along – ignoring the painful realities of being who I was. I didn’t care for myself – I was disconnected from my heart. Being lost in my brains – I couldn’t experience my feelings – I couldn’t experience who I really am.
To be present – isn’t easy for many people! Most of us learn – in various ways – to stay away from the depths of who we really are.
Beginning the journey into myself is important for me! It is a process – not something I will every get to. It has meaning – it is challenging, but not difficult.
I am watching Monster’s Ball now – the tears are beginning. Crying – is important now – coming at various times. Tears can come from pain, and from joy.
I no longer want to escape – escaping is no longer desirable or necessary.
Drowning in emotion – isn’t helpful. Being overwhelmed in grief doesn’t help me.
I’m not overwhelmed, except in rare moments. It isn’t easy, but it is my path. I Do make mistakes. I hope that they are smaller than the mistakes of my earlier life.
I’m no hero. I am a good man.
Learning through my heart – is most helpful – and often incredible!
I have a long way to go!
Being on empty – stuck – for much of 67 ½ years didn’t help!