Fear ?

Fear can be a lot of different things?

- I'm afraid of increasing physical pain as I age - my constipation problem  its pain level - might hurt a lot, but things in the future with various conditions could easily be  - x 100 or more
- I'm afraid of dying, though these fears are becoming less frequent
- I am terrified of the guilt that I would face if a young child were to run in front of my car, and I were to kill them
- I am afraid of intense, group social situations - where I often flounder
- I fear going "overboard" with others - as I do, when I'm not grounded and go into "Aspie Land" - where I talk far longer than I should and disclose to much to others.
- I fear others rejecting me - thinking various negative things about me
- I am afraid that something horrible will happen in this country as we get closer to the 2020 Election
- I fear the hatred - others have for - many "others" who are "different"

There are different ways we can look at fears such as:

- "rational" vs. "irrational" - fearing flying saucers landing and killing us all - may be seen as irrational.   The fear of dying is usually seen as rational.
- "direct threats" vs. other things that are not direct threats -  some peoples' fears of being deported from the U.S. or being evicted from where they live are direct threats.   The fear that someday in the distant future one may not be able to afford to live where one lives is not  a direct threat.
- "internal" - personal fears vs. other fears - someone close to me is afraid of lightning and thunder and walking on top of sidewalk greats -  bother internal, personal fears.

Often time our fears are concealed from others or from oneself.   They may be deep-seated and unclear to each of us.

Thinking about fear, I think both of the fears that I have, as well as the fears I sense in others.    I am afraid of fascism, of a military takeover of the country, of the killing or maiming of my trans child, of the crippling devastating injuries  - emotionally - which my partner faces when ignorance and hatred are forced upon her because she is a Black Female - who often speaks  out.

I see others afraid of change, of losing what they see as "normalcy", of the unknown.

Our past is gone - forever.  Normalcy as we know may be totally gone.  I do not fear change, in of itself.  I fear others distorting reality to fit their fears.

I see some other white people around me who live in a very different world that appears to me to be a world of deep fears.   One writes of the (white) female police officer who was killed by a Black Man who was angry at how he had been treated by white people.   Another speaks of how Black People should be working in their communities to end the Black on Black violence and to make their schools better.

These people see a world of problems, where there is no systemic racism.   In their worlds Black People need to help themselves and are not doing so.    Black People in  such a world view seem significantly to be a group who are or need to be united in their efforts to overcome the past where they were (perhaps) treated unfairly.

I look at a world around me.    I see racism in myself.   No it isn't "blatant racism".  I'm not pushing the N-word at others.   I'm not speaking words of hatred.

Instead I am looking through a much different lens, if I am honest with myself and look at the feelings that are hidden with curtains hiding them (often) from myself.   I see Black Boys (sic).   If they were white they would be men, but to my non-blurred lens they are boys.   Perhaps they are smoking cigarettes or joints and I am seeing something in them that labels them (and not positively).

In front of my eyes, but hidden from the thinking George, are judgments a part of me makes about others.   Perhaps they are "not hard working".   Perhaps they are "too loud".  Perhaps they are walking with underwear exposed and are obviously "from the hood".    There are so many images that may have in the part of me that isn't right at the surface.


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