Big Girls Don't Cry
BIG GIRLS DON'T CRY
My father (Menachem) Imanuel Marx died Friday, November 13,
1964, when I was 13 years old. My
mother woke my brother and I up with the news early that morning. We went to the hospital and saw him for the
last time.
I
didn’t cry then. Daniel
and I went to school that day. I didn’t
tell anyone. Two days later at the funeral, I was still being “a man”
(i.e. not crying). Until I was in my
second men’s group around age 31, I
didn’t allow myself to cry. I
rationalized this by saying to myself: “How
does x compare with the death of my father?”.
I am self-identified as a Jewish man. Growing up that meant being intellectual
and not emotional. Our Sabbath
dinner was the only time in the week, when we couldn’t read at the table. While I was “schooled” on feelings through
my men’s work (, most significantly through helping co-found Men Stopping Rape, Inc. in 1983),
it was only several months ago that I was able to first feel extreme anger
towards my (late) mother for her totally unforgivable physical abuse of my son
when he was a child.
Masculinity is an issue that we men often ignore. Through my early men’s work, I learned to be
aware when walking in the dark on deserted streets. I started to notice women (or people I
thought might be women) coming towards me, and began crossing the street to
avoid needlessly scaring some of them.
There are layers of “maleness”. When reading my young son books, I used to
change the numerous “he’s” to “she”.
When marrying my first wife, I convinced her to keep her “maiden
name” (sic). When we decided to try
to have a child, we needed to decide what last
name(s) s/he should have. Ben
has his mother’s last name both so that her family name carries on and
because it was the best alternative we could agree upon. I don’t know anyone else who has chosen similarly!
I am ashamed that when I ran competitively in the early 1980’s,
I was proud of consistently
finishing ahead of the first female runner. Why
does the man “need” to be taller than his female partner? Why
does the man need to be older than his female partner? Why
does the man need to make more money than his female partner? While I’m taller than both of my wives, I’ve
been on both sides of the age and earning side in my two marriages.
Being
solely emotionally dependent upon women has been an issue I’ve faced for most
of my life. For
me it has been leaning upon primary relationship partners and not having any
real friends. I
feel fortunate that I’m finally beginning to develop meaningful friendships
with men. Though
I have a long way to go, I am confident that I’m moving forward today.
In closing I would like to suggest a few organizations and
other resources that have been a great help to me. Organizing
White Men for Collective Liberation (OWMCL) is an important new organization
which I hope will prove successful in helping us deal with racism, sexism, heterosexism,
and classism at a minimum. Voice Male Magazine is a wonderful
resource for men related to sexism as well as other isms. Victories is a wonderful Chicago Area
organization helping local men connect with their hearts. As a newbie, I am trying to help it become
more diverse (Men of Color, Gay/Bi/Trans,Class) and it will do much better in
the coming years. MenEngage Alliance is an international organization
helping to build worldwide gender equality reaching men and boys. Pro-Feminist
FAQS is an excellent effort at
summarizing Pro-Feminist efforts in the U.S.
Several men worth noting (more could easily be added) include: John
Stoltenberg , Steven
Botkin, Byron Hurt, Michael Flood
and Jackson Katz.
Outside of the Pro-Feminist Men’s Movement several other
organizations are worth noting. The Good Men Project is a commercial
effort which has some good writing on various men’s issue. Despite having had some very negative local
experiences, The Mankind Project works
with men internationally helping us deal with other feelings.
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