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XI - Much Better - Sadness, Grief, and Pain

Fully feeling my sadness and grief, as well as taking in and experiencing deeply my pain(s) – provides significant meaning in my life.    When it is “too much” – I do need to let up and move out of “survival mode” – get beyond it – back into my growth. Kidney stones – initially – tore me apart – making me feel almost like death was near.   After I was admitted to the hospital, the pain lessoned.    I then had the time to experience – the pain.    Letting go – slowly being – in the moments – was very, very different – from how I had lived most of my prior life. I was in a hurry – most of the time – rushing along – ignoring the painful realities of being who I was.    I didn’t care for myself – I was disconnected from my heart.    Being lost in my brains – I couldn’t experience my feelings – I couldn’t experience who I really am. To be present – isn’t easy for many people!    Most of us learn – in various ways – to stay away from the depths of who we really are. Beginning the jou
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X - Much Better - Words Matter

  X. – Much Better – Words Matter When I interact substantively with others, I tend to feel either detached, or very present (and generally connected).   When detached, I’m immune from my feelings interfering with my brain and soul.    When present, often, when things feel personal (, even when not directly personal,) – I often “over-react”.    Besides – my face showing affect (if that), usually I appear stoic.    (It is scary to expose myself in what often feels like unsafe space.) Words matter – in a variety of situations, for most people.     The simple words: “Black Lives Matter” – are most important, and very positive for many Black People, as well as for those who care deeply about them.    When a lot of white people hear these same words, they commonly “mean”:   – “I should be totally ashamed that I am a white person.   I should always defer to every Black Person!”    Obviously, for such white people, these words seem horribly insulting and condescending. In doing my p
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IX - Much Better - Depression Has Been My Middle Name

Depression has been my Middle Name throughout much of my Adult Life.   Fortunately – since 2017 – I’ve not felt it coming into my being – beyond odd moments – which have left me relatively soon thereafter. I’m no expert about what depression is, what causes it, or most anything else about it – beyond how it has affected me and how wonderful it has been to not have to struggle with it recently. Depression for me has always been a painful aloneness – when I’ve questioned much of my value – and been thoroughly uncomfortable.     While I’ve never been, nor felt suicidal when depressed, I have questioned – whether life is valuable or potentially good during the worst of my depressions. My first conscious memories of depression are at age 18, when away starting my regular university study.     During my childhood, undoubtedly, I was also depressed for significant period of time.   Life as a child was lonely.    Having insecure attachment with my parents – and feeling – Alone – without
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Much Better - Late(r) Than Never - (In Total)

This is a Listing of the Individual Writings - which are individually on this Blog.  It is a part of my "story".  As I complete additional writings of the "Much Better" series, links to the new ones are added below. Below it - is a lot more - related to Me and What is Meaningful to Me! Much Better Late(r) Than Never - Intro   II - Much Better - Leading to Now III - Much Better - The Growth Begins IV - Much Better - The Personal is Political (and Vice-Versa ) V - Much Better - Out of My Head - I VI - Much Better - Aspie I Am VII - Much Better - Out of My Head - II VIII - Much Better - Rushing and Time IX - Much Better - Depression X - Much Better - Words Matter XI - Much Better - Sadness, Grief and Pain S O M E   " A N C E S T O R S" Anne Braden bell hooks George Hrbek (very much alive) James Baldwin Howard Zinn Shirley Chisholm O T H E R S + R E S O U R C E S MEANINGFUL Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez AWARE-LA Black Lives Matter Midwest Access Coalition National
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VIII - Much Better - Rushing and Time

Yesterday I started out with much optimism!   I was looking forward to the workshop I was co-producing that evening.    My optimism was rudely interrupted at 10:05 a.m.   I had arrived at Goodwill to drop off mostly clothes, and because it was about 2 minutes until their opening time – a chain blocked one entry to their parking lot.  I parked blocking the entry -and left my clothes with the man just opening up. I looked in my left side mirror upon returning to our car, it looked clear – and moved into the street, immediately colliding with a passing car.   I was angry at myself! Why was I in such a hurry?   Why am I rushing – so much – as my driving is certainly not as good, as it was when I was younger!    What is my rush – for life in general? Am I afraid – I don’t have enough time?   If that is true, what does that mean?   Multiple answers and new questions arose and arise.   Patience, George!   Appreciate the moments – do your best – but have confidence in things And enjoy th
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VII - Much Better - Out of My Head - II

  Until recently, as I have alluded to, my world(s) was/were limited largely to being in my intellect/ head.   I deeply pushed myself towards things I liked (often excessively), and otherwise tried to distance myself from things and areas I didn’t like (often excessively).     I read non-fiction, and avoided most fiction like the plague.    When I met or was around others, I tried to engage deeply with them, or I tried to be as invisible as I could – depending upon initial reactions I felt. As I’ve changed over the past few years, I’ve found so much more of interest in my life!    I watch a lot.   I listen a lot.   I face challenges I would have strongly avoided.    Occasionally, I’m bored.   More commonly, I find nuances pushing and pulling me all over the place.    Sometimes things evolve into being really fascinating, and then I’m so happy that I didn’t shut myself off (as I would have done not so long ago). I explore meaning – in many situations.    It may be how something has
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VI - Much Better - Aspie I Am

  Around August of 2019, a newly trained psychiatrist in Chicago heard my statement: “I think that I’m probably 2-3% Autistic (Asperger’s) (sic).    He asked me a few questions, and then said something like: “I can say with 100% certainty that you are not autistic!”    It is probably reasonable to respond to a statement such as: “The world is flat!” – with a statement such as: “You are 100% wrong!”    Often, however, life situations are very different from the example give which is a “cut and dry” factual statement.    It is generally not a good idea to say things similar to what the psychiatrist said to me.     The impact upon the recipient of such statements, even when the odds may be significant that the statement is correct, can be significant.   In December, 2019, at the suggestion of my partner, I took an online test intended to determine if I am autistic (Asperger’s).   The results clearly showed that I am autistic.    As I read more and more, the validity of this conclusio
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